Opinions of Monday, 7 September 2020
Columnist: Stanley Ativor
Lately, there have been several cases of infidelity which have destroyed and still are destroying wonderful and admirable relationships.
Sex is so cheap and affordable at this time, it is one of the contributing factors increasing the potentials of cheating. Without commitment, self-respect, self-denial standing for one’s value etc, we would easily cheat before we even know we have cheated.
Homes have been broken, marriages have been dissolved, friendships have been betrayed and trust has become questionable as a result of cheating.
Newton’s third law of motion states, to every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The purpose of this article is to share some of the actions (reasons/causes) which are behind the reactions of cheating.
Cheating is very real among both men and women but the focus here is on men. The fact that some men cheat doesn’t mean all men cheat. Just some. Real and loyal men still exist out there. The fact that some men have been caught in the act, doesn’t mean all do likewise the fact that a man has not been caught does not mean he may not be cheating.
Having interacted with some men who have once cheated or still cheating, it was realized that the reasons are enormous. Out of that and other fact-finding methods, this article pinpoints some of the possible triggers why some men cheat.
Selfishness/want to own all
“I cheated on my wife with a friend not because I do not love her but because her friend; Jane gave me free lunch. Besides, who doesn’t want free launch? So I took advantage just as most of us will” – Korley
This was a reaction of a friend who was asked why he cheated on his lovely wife with the wife’s friend. There are numerous instances where guys/men do share a bed with other ladies/women just because there is a free offer.
Ironically, most of the free stuff is relatively expensive. Wondering how? If you have paid for a kilogram of the usual air we breathe at the verge of a dicky organ, you will comprehend. Similarly, we may not appreciate the luxury of our eyes until we lost it. After this happens, that is when we are made to value how valuable the free eye is.
The point cheating men seize to see is that, if you cheat because you think there is a free offer, sometimes the consequences can be priceless. Would one considered contraction of say HIV/AIDs at the cost of a free sex offer?
As men, if we do not do away with our selfish feelings, we would live to be an everlasting pathological cheat. Because as humans, our taste for what we love today may change tomorrow, and that of tomorrow too would change again.
This implies that, as far as we are willing to feed our selfish needs, we would never be content with what we think we are content with today. The Oliver twist feeling will continue to energies us to want more just as one regrets buying a shoe after seeing another one. Settling with one woman is no joke but very possible and highly achievable. It requires a lot of commitment, sacrifice, self-respect, self-monopoly and loyalty.
Like most business plans need an exit strategy, some men use cheating to force their way out if they feel they must exit.
“I wanted to end my current relationship. However, instead of just telling my partner I was not happy in anymore, I opted to cheat to force a divorce in my favour” – Mustapha.
“Before I met Juan, I did not realize she was way beyond my class. I met a new lady recently who fits into my new class. In fact, she’s got the swag I wanted. Juan doesn’t befit my current status and the best way to tell her is to cheat openly before her” – Osei.
Usually, guys/men who adopt this strategy to walk out of a relationship, do the cheating openly deliberately to be caught. They do not put in the effort to hide the mess from their partner. They even go the extra mile by talking about it openly without regret or remorse. In the case of Osei, he feels his level has changed hence he needs a lady/woman who meets his current level forgetting sometimes, we are blessed and favoured because of that partner around us. You may come back to nothing when you leave that partner. (Lot in the bible enjoyed portions of Abraham’s blessing because he was around him)
On the contrary, sometimes there are deviations and exceptions. That is, in some rare instances, a guy may not cheat but paints the picture he did. In such cases, it may not mean the guy/man wants an exit but it could be that he wants to measure the desired outcome; say the extent to which his woman loves him, to see the level of jealousness, or to see the extent of rot she can tolerate from him etc.
The “man” misconception
Many are times, people only get to the middle or end of activity or situation unusual, to realize that is as a result of proving how “manly” they are. There are a lot of misconceptions lately on what makes one “a man”. If you are a man, dare this …., prove by that …, A man who says no to free sex, is that one too a man? Etc.
“Until some friends dared me to finish two bottles of beer one night to prove them I’m really a man, I never took alcoholic drinks. Here am I, addicted and now a severe alcoholic as if it is also one of the basic needs for survival. I drink more alcohol daily than water”-Hodzi
“My cousin says a man is one who has a promiscuous lifestyle. So the more women one sleeps around with, the more man you feel (more powerful and confident)” –Dennis
Considering these experiences shared by Hodzi and Dennis, it is clear some people have weird beliefs and definitions to what makes one “a man”. So if you surround yourself with people who have misconceptions such as these, you may begin cheating on your partner not because you don’t love her or intended to, but rather your edge to prove your “man” ability to friends or feel accepted by them.
“If you have friends who are not you, whom you are unable to make you, they will make you them”.
“I didn’t really have any problem with Sandra until Xornam advised a sex with a High School Girl. Till date, it beats my imagination where that little girl learnt those skills that made me go super crazy in bed. After my experience with the girl, I feel Sandra wasn’t giving me best of what I deserve. I want more sex from the high school girl. In fact, she increased my libido aside being obsessed about her” – Stanley
“My colleague said all sort of unattractive things about my fiancee; Ruth. They made me felt she wasn’t the right girl for me. Before i knew it, one of them came for her when she left me after she caught me cheating” – Ankomah
What this simply means is that, if you have bad friends you are unable to change, they will change you. As humans, there are several things we learn unknowingly from our environments. For example, a student may unknowingly start behaving in a certain way due to the mannerism influence of his/her teacher. In Education, it is comparable to the “hidden curriculum”.
Psychologically, when the abnormal repeats in a frequent manner, it gradually finds it’s way to be accepted as a norm. A friend whose emotional feelings ebbs may see certain acts, behaviours or actions normal even if they aren’t and may influence another to smoothly without notice see in that same perspective.
Home isn’t home/ something is missing
In life, change is one phenomenon that would never change. Change is everywhere. Some changes wear Good attire while others wear bad attire. Sometimes, when it is least expected, that is when one is swamped with avalanche change.
“My partner refuses giving me “blow Job” when I actually enjoy that. Aside denying me the styles I want, she isn’t romantic as I extrapolated” – Hodzi
“My wife had a levelled tummy until we had our first child. Since then, my appetite for sex with her has become numb. I rather see other ladies outside and yearn to have them in bed every night than my wife” – Atsu.
“I married Franca because of her adorable boobs but after she delivered our second child, those adorable boobs depreciated. Due to this, my libido for her ebbs. I search elsewhere for that I no longer get from home.” –Nii Lantey
“I do not regret sleeping outside my matrimonial home because, I feel I was cheated. I actually got something different from what I bargained for. The woman I saw before marriage is different from the same woman after marriage…Most of the things I saw were fake. Make-up, artificial boobs, tummy and ass” – Afrifa
Analysing these statements by Hodzi, Atsu, Nii Lantey and Afrifa, one thing is crystal clear. They are not getting what they want from home. Something is missing from home. And to them, the best option is to go search for their needs elsewhere. This could be a contributing factor why some men cheat.
There’s some disagreement over whether sex addiction is a real condition and it’s not always taken very seriously. My argument is if people get addicted to alcohol, games, drug etc, why would that be different or untrue for sex? Sex was made for fun and pleasure. People have sex and feel like having it every blessed day. Some people even get obsessed with sex.
Sex addiction to just a person will not lead to cheating. It only leads to cheating when it involves more than a partner. In fact, some men would always want to get into the pants of anyone in skirt. Even if it doesn’t happen in reality, they fantasize that. Serial infidelity might be a sign of something a little more serious than terminal “dickheaditis”. It is very difficult for a sex addict to be faithful even okay with his partner.
Supply is on the High
With technology running at the speed of light, the fear of God and moral values are also on the decline. Exposure to smut, Social media, charting apps, dating sites etc have contributed to making sex so cheap in today’s era. For Ghanaian readers who doubts that sex has become cheap, should walk to Kwame Nkrumah Circle, Kaneshie, Laz Pamas etc and as low as GHC 20.00 one will get sex with free accommodation. We no longer value how values hence open sex is even on the rampant. Ten years ago, we only saw prostitutes on T.V. but today, they are even in daylight. You can get sex any day, anytime. Some are even offered as charity.
He may be reenacting or latently responding to unresolved childhood trauma – neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc. In such cases, his childhood wounds have created attachment/intimacy issues that leave him unable or unwilling to fully commit to one person. He might also be using the excitement and distraction of sexual infidelity as a way to self-soothe the pain of these old, unhealed wounds.
Spiritual and drug addiction
Some men are pathological cheats. No matter what a woman does to meet their needs, they would never stop sleeping around with others. This can be related to a spiritual curse or spell cast on the man. On the other hand on Drug addiction to tends distorting it addict’s conscience. Hence they may not care about the consequence or shamble that would be caused.
Unfettered impulse/ Accident
“We hugged and before I knew it, it happened unplanned and so fast. We did what we couldn’t undo” – Stanley
Sometimes, some men cheat because of an uncontrollable situation, a condition where impulse was so high that a lot happens within a short time unintentionally.
“We had an argument last night. She pissed me off and I felt the best way to pay back was to cheat on her” – Edem
“I felt disrespected and offended. The worse of it all is she showed no remorse. I felt bitter and I opted to revenge by sharing our matrimonial bed…” – Anku
In the Holy Bible, an angered man is likened to a lunatic. Also, there is a saying that, one shouldn’t talk or act when he/she is angry. The consequence could be regrettable. Sometimes this also contributes to the reasons why some men/guys cheat.
In summary, the causes of cheating are enormous but the above are just some that popped up after interacting with some men who had experienced the topic. This must be made clear. It was realized that some men cheat because they knew no better. Others too became better people after they were caught and given a second chance. No Normal woman wants a cheating man for a partner.
Hence before women choose their partners, they watch out for the cheating traits. Aside from being vigilant, Only God Guaranties non-cheating partners since men can pretend and or change.
Readers are encouraged to leave comments of other reasons why they think some mean cheat which wasn’t discussed here.
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